From My Dad: #1
“When will it ever end!
I won the Florida lottery! I’m now a multimillionaire! Can you believe it?!? I’m bouncing off the walls here! You see, my ticket doesn’t have the exact winning numbers on it, but I meant to pick those winning numbers. The ticket is very confusing when I was filling it out and so I ended up with the wrong numbers on my card. But since I really meant to pick those other numbers, they’re going to give me the money anyway!!!! They really shouldn’t make those darn cards so hard to fill out!!! And even though I was confused, I didn’t ask for help because no one would have helped me anyway. If the Florida State Lottery won’t give me the money, I’ll just sue them!!!”
From my Dad #2
“Well, it had to happen sooner or later:
The State of Florida has given notice that it is holding the Presidency of the United States hostage. Until the rest of the country agrees to our terms, there will be no official count and Bill Clinton will remain president. Here are our terms:
1. No more snow birds. Stay up north. Just send your money down. We have established a secure web site where you can deposit your vacation budgets conveniently.
2. No more referring to the mosquito as the Florida State bird.
3. New York State will quit trying to annex Miami. It now officially belongs to Cuba.
4. The Federal Securities and Exchange Commission will authorize a stock exchange that exists solely for the purpose of trading stocks in companies who manage time share sales.
5. Out-of-state friends and relatives of Florida residents will establish a trust fund for the reimbursement of Floridians every time you show up expecting free room and board in our homes. Florida residents within a 50 mile radius of Disney World have unlimited draw on this trust fund.
6. All the other 49 states will conduct annual citrus festivals.
7. The NFL will declare the Tampa Bay Buccaneers the undisputed winner of the Super Bowl for the next five years.
8. All future national presidential conventions will be held on the track at the Daytona Speedway. The winners will be decided in a 100 lap race where the candidates drive golf carts.
9. Bike Week will become Bike Year to overlap with inter-Spring-Summer-Fall Break. Only Harleys will be admitted to the former and starlets with Baywatch credentials to the latter.
10. The Surgeon General will declare orange juice as the national natural substitute for aspirin, Rogaine, Prozac, and Viagra.”