Gary sent me an e-mail. A good story about an old pot of coffee. He and I have a joke we share about the time that he served me a cup of coffee from a thermos that was god knows how old. It tasted worse than anything I’ve ever tasted in my life. A fact that he takes great glee in. Well, I finally got even. Warning this post contains fecal matter, could put you off coffee forever, and may offend some…
Gary Fletcher wrote:
> Hi Dean..
>
> I forgot to tell you about Friday’s adventure with “Construction Site
> coffee.” I had told Donald about the “aged coffee” in the thermos that
> I gave you and how it had grown hair in it was well as a few other
> extras, and he thought that was pretty funny. But Friday, I made a pot
> of coffee that really would put hair on your chest!
>
> About a year ago, I had set my pot up in my office to be ready to use
> the next day. Grounds in the basket, water in the tank and all ready to
> go for the next morning. Well, management wanted me to move to a
> temporary office while they knocked out some walls, stripped out
> insulation, stripped off and re-painted, and remodeled the wing that my
> office was in.
>
> I moved all my stuff except my coffee pot. Friday, I moved back in, and
> after clearing up over an inch of construction dust, I settled back in
> to my old office. So I am sitting at my desk, and I spotted my old
> coffee pot, sitting there all ready to go! I thought, boy a cup of
> coffee sounds real good right now. So without thinking about it ( Eric
> was there talking to me and distracting me ) I poured in the water and
> watched as a cream colored brew slowly filled the pot. ( Never even
> wondered why the coffee already had cream in it!! ) Eric sat there
> watching with a little smile on his face as I filled my cup.
>
> I took one sip and realized that my lips, tongue, and half my face was
> turning numb, I half spit and half drooled the mouth of coffee I had,
> and rushed over to get some water. Eric sat there laughing so hard, I
> thought he would pee his pants! Gawd what a cup of coffee that was!
> Asbestos, paint lead, plaster, concrete dusk and a bit of year old
> coffee all thrown into the mix!
>
> I am still sick at the thought of the stupid, dumb, bone-headed move I
> made that day! What the hell was I thinking?? I never even washed out
> the pot or the coffee brewer, never replaced the filters. I never
> replaced the coffee grounds that had been sitting out in the open air
> while all kinds of construction going on all around for over a year! If
> I had not poisoned myself, someone should have shot me, for being so
> stupid!!
> ** Gary **
Gary,
I can imagine exactly how that coffee tasted. I would have given anything to be there to see how these things transpired. This is a story for the archives of awful coffee stories.
I too have a coffee story that I may or, …may not,.. have shared with you at some point in the many years I’ve know you. It’s an Army story and I know that I have only told you a few of those to you. Anyway, we had a First Sergeant (which is usually the top enlisted man in an outfit) that most people weren’t particularly fond of. In fact, he wasn’t a mean person, he was just the opposite. A lot of people took advantage of his nice personality. That is, of course, another story. He was a dedicated coffee drinker. He loved his coffee, he lived for it. His pot was the center of his universe. Needless to say his beloved pot was the target for a prank, and the center of my story.
So on a particular morning, he made a pot, bright and early. The people who were close to him, myself included, almost always joined him in his quarters for morning coffee, cigarettes, and conversation. Conversation mostly, but the coffee and cigarettes always were a blessing too. Especailly at 5:00 in the morning. Anyway the pot went around the room and myself and another fellow (we were alway late) were left with no coffee. This usually happened, not a problem. We always made at least 2 pots, usually 3.
Well, the First Sergeant or, “Top” as they are affectionately known, began the preparations to make a new pot. He filled up the pot with water and grabbed the basket. to dump the old grounds. Inside he noticed a tubular object, in fact a cardboard toilet paper roll. He picked it up and out splatted onto the floor a nice juicy turd. Someone had slipped and “extra” ingredient into the pot. Needless to say, the room cleared out! I and my mate, who were left out of that pot, felt like we had won the lottery. We watched as the fellows ran about the latrine, hallway and outside. All were heaving and spewing their guts out. Those that didn’t blow chunks involuntarily, did so voluntarily and willingly, with great enthusiasm.
Well, it turns out that it wasn’t just a harmless and grotesqe prank. Of the 8 of us fellows that came for coffee 6 of us actually drank the tainted brew, and 3 of them ended up with Hepatitis A, “Top” included.
So, in retrospect… I’ll take your year old brew over a pot of that stuff any old day. No problem. Hope this tale didn’t put you off your breakfast… I think I’ll skip mine and my next cup of coffee.
As ever…
c’ya
-ddp
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